I am insecure. You are insecure. So is Kim Kardashian.
We are all in the same boat.
And anyone who claims otherwise is a downright liar.
So what does ‘overcoming insecurities’ really mean?
The best definition I can think of is this: a spiritual battle against the ego, stripping it down from the toxic worldly attachments.
Yes, insecurities are ego-driven. You can quote me on that one.
I had this epiphany while watching David Fincher’s ‘Fight Club’: a brilliant story of men who fight one another on the outside to rectify what’s broken on the inside.
Luckily for you, you won’t have to go to such extremes (as far as I know), but you will need to pick an uncomfortable fight with your ego.
In this blog post, we dissect Fight Club into 7 ideas for taming your ego impulses and overcoming insecurities.
Without any further ado, let’s get right on with it.
#1: You are not the rock star your parents had you believe
The sooner you come to terms with the fact that you are not a ‘beautiful, unique snowflake’, the better.
The first step to overcoming insecurities is realizing that you are ‘the same decaying organic matter as everything else.’
This might come as a shock to you, seeing as you’ve been told all your life that you are special.
Society has all of us believing that we can achieve anything we want, which makes us spend our whole life chasing an imaginary end, just like a hamster on a wheel.
And the byproduct of all this? Inflated egos. Expectations of ourselves giving rise to self-judgment.
And that’s how you get insecurities.
As soon as you realize you are not special, you will go about your life from a much more powerful place.
You will stop caring about what other people think. Why should you? They are the same disintegrating flesh as you are.
I see so many people overwhelmed by expectations of themselves stemming from an inner belief that they are special. And they live their lives in frustration.
‘We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.’
#2: Overcoming insecurities is not about self-improvement, but self-destruction
Another idea many people live by is constant self-improvement. Hell, even this website claims it’s all about self-improvement.
It did not occur to me before I saw Fight Club, but the idea of becoming better by the day can become neurotic and unsustainable.
‘Self-improvement is masturbation.’ affirms Tyler Durden. Just like with masturbation, self-improvement can be an addiction that gives us a temporary pleasurable high. And afterwards, we go back to the real world with the same old insecurities.
As with anything, you need balance. Sometimes you need self-destruction.
And I don’t mean going about your life engaging in destructive behaviors like drugs or alcohol.
I mean destroying beliefs and ideas you have been holding on to. Self-destruction is about ego deconstruction. Opposing the ego-constructs you live by.
Challenge the toxic ideas and behaviors guiding your life. Destroy yourself to overcome insecurities and ultimately improve yourself.
#3: Accept the idea that you will die
Ancient Stoics believed the core of our insecurities and unhappiness lies in our ceaseless attempts to control the uncontrollable.
Control the weather, control other people’s opinions, our whole life.
The Stoics’ secret to fulfilment in life and overcoming insecurities was embracing the idea that there are many things outside their control, one of them being death.
Accepting that one day we will be gone gives us empowerment. It makes us realize how insignificant others’ opinions are. After all, we are on this earth for a short while, we might as well make the most of it.
There is a very powerful scene in Fight Club where Tyler threatens to kill an innocent grocery store cashier. Before ‘pulling the trigger’ on him, Durden interrogates him about his life aspirations.
We come to find out that the young man wanted to become a vet, but bailed on his dream because of ‘too much school’.
Tyler goes on to say:
‘Get out of here, and do your little life, but remember I’m watching you, Raymond Hessel, and I’d rather kill you than see you working a shit job for just enough money to buy cheese and watch television.’
Tyler justifies his deed with the aforementioned idea of the acceptance of death.
“Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond K. Hessel’s life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted.”
Once you come to terms with the fact that your life is ‘ending one minute at a time’, you will start feeling less and less insecure.
At the end of the day, if today was your last day, would you let insecurities dominate it?
#4: Reduce your exposure to social media
Fight Club was ahead of its time. In one of the scenes, Tyler mocks a Gucci underwear advert by saying ‘That what a man supposed to look like?’
Even 20 years ago, society was bombarded by messages highlighting how imperfect we are.
Over the past 100 years, since the birth of advertising, we have been told we have to look or act like someone else in order to be accepted.
And nowadays, it’s gotten even worse with the proliferation of social media.
We have gotten to the point where see these influencers and youtubers telling us how to be happy. And we believe them.
One of the safest ways to overcoming insecurities is cutting down on your social media use. Stop following these influencers and stop letting them guide your life.
Otherwise you will live a life of constant comparison and you will never be truly satisfied.
#5: Detach from material possessions
We think the next thing we own will make our lives complete.
We spend our whole life piling possession after possession chasing ‘completeness’.
That’s a figment of our imagination. We tell ourselves ‘once I get this or that thing, my life will be hunky dory.’
Sadly, that is hardly ever the case considering the consumerist culture we live in. Material possessions don’t make us happy because we remain essentially the same person on the inside.
Ever felt good after a new pair of Nikes or a new TV?
Newsflash. It’s not the TV or the shoes that made you happy, it’s the letting go of the craving. A craving stemming from…insecurity perhaps?
The thing about placing importance on all the stuff you own, is they limit you. They literally own you because they define your lifestyle.
You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet.
Only after Tyler loses all of his possessions does he feel free of any anxiety and disturbance in his life.
‘The things you own end up owning you.’
‘It’s only after we’ve lost everything are we free to do anything.’
#6. Do something you have never done before
‘After fighting, everything else in your life got the volume turned down, you could deal with anything.
‘You weren’t alive anywhere like you were there.’’
There is no way around insecurities except for facing them head-on.
I often talk about doing ‘dangerous’ things outside your comfort zone. You have to rip it off like a band-aid.
Just like Tyler, who out of the blue demands to get hit as hard as possible by the Narrator, whose actual name we never come to find out.
And in what follows, Tyler is not the same person anymore. Doing something as simple as punching someone else, liberates him from his insecurities.
Overcoming insecurities is contingent upon stepping out of your comfort zone. Being dangerous and doing dangerous things makes you resilient to outside stress, but most importantly, it makes you feel alive.
#7: Make your parents cry
We come to understand that the underlying reason for Tyler’s anxiety is following someone else’s path his entire life.
When asked by the Narrator about who he would fight, Tyler shockingly says:
‘I’d fight my dad.’
He goes on to tell the story of all the steps his father made him take throughout his life.
‘Hey dad, now what?’ used to be Tyler’s obedient response in search of validation from his father.
Listening to your parents could be crippling you. Don’t live someone else’s life. It is your responsibility to follow the path that is right for you.
And now it’s up to you.
It is now time for you to apply these ideas and engage in a fight with your ego.
What are the major insecurities you want to tackle first?
Are there any other methods working for you already?
Let me know down below.
